Terrorists in the Trees

Suicide squirrels have launched a nationwide assault on freedom-loving Americans, including our most vulnerable. (Won't someone please think of the children??) Below is a column by Mike Licht at the Notions Capital Blog, updated to list the recent strikes.

Terrorists Strike U.S. Infrastructure

Despite billions spent on homeland security, the Obama Administration is Bush-league when it comes to defending America’s vital power grid from home-grown terrorists. Known to experts as Sciurus carolinensis, these sly, suicidal saboteurs infiltrate transformer stations at will, denying thousands of loyal Americans their God-given right to power up their Chinese-made flat-screen TVs.

• Sept. 28, 2010, Centerville, IA: “Squirrel to blame for house explosion.”
• Sept. 28, 2010, Hannibal, MO: “Squirrel blamed for power outage.”
• Sept. 28, 2010, Cordova, MD: “Squirrel knocks out power in Cordova.”
• Sept. 25, 2010, Bossier City, LA: “Squirrel to blame for morning power outage.”
• Sept. 24, 2010, Lexington, NE: “Lexington power supply ‘squirrely.'
• Sept. 23, 2010, Ann Arbor, MI: “Squirrel causes major campus power outage.”
• Sept. 21, 2010, Bend, OR: “Squirrel causes power outage.”
• Sept. 21, 2010, Minneapolis, MN, “Squirrel causes power outage.”
• Sept. 21, 2010, Beloit, WI, “Power outage hits South Beloit.”
• Sept. 21, 2010, Fairport Harbor, OH: “Fairport Harbor power outage blamed on squirrel.”
• Sept. 17, 2010, Newton, MS: “Squirrel drives Newton nuts.”
• Sept. 17, 2010, Springdale, AR: “Critter Causes Power Outage in Springdale.”
• Sept. 15, 2010, Bayonne, NJ: “Thousands in Bayonne lose power for more than hour after transformer fire thought triggered by squirrel gnawing through wire.”
• Sept. 14, 2010, Boise, ID: “Squirrel causes fire, power outage in Boise.”
• Sept. 14, 2010, Shenandoah, VA: “Thousands of SVEC Customers Experience Second Power Outage.”
• Sept. 7, 2010, East Bremerton, WA: “Squirrel Causes East Bremerton Power Outage.”
• Sept. 7, 2010, Dickson, TN: “Squirrel causes power outage Monday in Dickson.”
• Sept. 6, 2010, Marlboro, NJ: "Marlboro power outage caused by squirrel.”
• Sept. 5, 2010, Trenton, NJ: “Squirrel causes power outages, mass evacuations at Trenton senior centers.”

[Even Alaska's been hit!]

• April 22, 2010, Fairbanks, AK: “Errant squirrel causes hourlong power outage in west Fairbanks.”

[Not to mention the hijacking:]

• Feb. 17, 2007, Honolulu, HI: “Squirrel on a plane.”

These anonymous terrorists have no respect for our flag or our traditions. They even stopped the NASDAQ Stock Exchange. What drives them? What is their motivation? We will probably never understand. But we have plenty of tactical and intelligence information on these home-grown monsters, and we certainly know what to do with them.

All we lack is the political will.

Are you listening, Mr. President, or has the power gone out at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue?